Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
