I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
