Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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