I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
