I'm lost and stupid without you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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