I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
How's work?
Spinning.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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