my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she smelled like a LAN party
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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