I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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