i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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