Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
