It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
