I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
