you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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