Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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