Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
