Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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