Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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