Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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