you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Randomize
