Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
