He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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