Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
