she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
