oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
