I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
