we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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