What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
