I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
