sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
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