dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
