Do you still have your period?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
