I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
