dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
