I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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