I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
