it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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