we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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