so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
