If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
