Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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