either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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