Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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