I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
