Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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