so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
