The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
