chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
that may or may not have been my penis.
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