you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
