those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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