you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
